Archive for June, 2008

Internet Ransom Note

Posted in Uncategorized on June 30, 2008 by boozecoma

I miss the days when public figures received death threats. The Internet blog has replaced the carefully crafted menacing note created from single alphabet letters that were cut out from old magazines. Fumbling the football too much? Well you better start holding on to that thing or you will find a bomb in your trunk. Showing unsavory television shows on the local station? Yank it for Hee-Haw reruns or gasoline and matches are on the way. In actuality, it’s not the actual horrific violence I pine for-it is the spirit behind the vigilante reactions that seems to be missing. The Internet has made us soft by allowing us to denounce things like fur without taking the time to go out and actually pour paint on the movie star who is wearing it. This weakness is happening for the same reason that non-smokers dictate policy to smokers… they are better organized. The meek have not inherited the earth-they have downloaded it. Here’s the skinny: on the Internet the geeks are the bullies and I am here to get my lunch money back. I have a vigilante plan and what separates me from The Unibomber is the same thing that makes me similar to the I.R.A.- I want credit for what I am doing.

The “geeks” of the world have been tricked into thinking they can be as cool as they were in chess club by embracing the Internet. The myth of making a name for yourself on the Internet is similar to the myth that inspired the garage sale and Punk Rock-Anyone can do it. Yes, anyone can, but everyone can’t. That story about everyone getting 15 minutes of fame? Bullshit. No one wants to listen to 30 seconds of the person next to them on their cell phone, what makes you think we would grant them another 14 and a half? We all cannot be stars because stars do not pay attention to anyone else but themselves and if you are focused on you then you can’t be paying attention to me. So while I have your attention, I would like to re-establish the lost spirit of subversiveness in an open letter to the soon-to-be powerless:

Dear Stumblebum,

GET THE FUCK OFF THE INTERNET!!!! THE WEB IS FOR LOOKING AT NAKED WOMEN AND GETTING MAPQUEST DIRECTIONS TO THE LIQUOR STORE!!!!!!! ANY FURTHER POSTS CONCERNING ANY SUBJECT THAT WON’T GET ME A GIRL’S CELL PHONE NUMBER WILL BE TREATED AS TREASON!!!!!! COMPLY OR YOUR WIRELESS ROUTER WILL NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN!!!!!!

I am dead serious and almost out of Vitamin Water so don’t think I won’t come after you.

Mr Fix It

Posted in Uncategorized on June 14, 2008 by boozecoma

Why is the unemployment rate so high? The legal system is enticing workers to keep their crappy jobs. If you have a crappy job, you keep it long enough to be awarded a judgment in a lawsuit based on your endurance of harassment or unsafe working conditions. It’s my theory that the unemployment rate is effected by a group of about 70,000 service industry workers who move in and out of a pool of 78 actual jobs. They work at Home Depot for a day and when they decide it blows (right after filling out the paperwork), then quit to go work at Olive Garden for a full 6 hours, only to leave to work for an insurance company. What is happening now is, instead of quitting after only a day, these shrewd sycophants have spotted workers compensation GOLD, and decide to stay long enough to get a check for a XBox 360 and the curious ability to cry whenever they see a Mailman. This in effect sends the unemployment rate higher. There will be no workplace turnover until everyone gets a Cadillac to balance out what working a bad job already gives you: sleepless nights and a fear of paint.

Why do people put up with sub par treatment? It seems somewhere along the line, the point in your life when you would say the phrase “This is not for me”, has become the point in your life when you say “I am going to post this on youtube!”, exchanging your dignity for 350,000 hits from people waiting for you to hit yourself in the balls. Rich and famous has expanded to include the “Dumbass with a lot of money” category as long as your name is in the paper it’s “all good”. One note of advice: Save enough for bail….

Who’s With Me?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 6, 2008 by boozecoma

Not one, but TWO hug hungry fame seekers scaled the side of the New York Times building in Manhattan on Thursday to be met by (Surprise!) the NYPD when they reached the top of the 52 story building. I don’t understand why people climb up buildings. If you are going to scale a building, start from the top and climb DOWN. You will have a much better chance of eluding the authorities closer to street level as opposed to the roof, where there is only one way out, surrounded by pissed off cops in an elevator without a video camera.

The first climber Alian Robert, an experienced climber with a web site and facebook page detailing the buildings he has conquered worldwide, had the myopic foresight to scale the building to promote global warming, a subject that already receives ample coverage. You don’t get this kind of media coverage often so you should use it effectively and for a product that people are unaware of, such as maps of climbable buildings in Manhattan. Robert stated upon arrest he was a “professional climber”. After seeing the lack of “climber” jobs on Monster.com, a side map selling business might not be a bad idea.

The second perpetrator (holding a Beta copy of the new NYC building climber map) , Renaldo Clarke reached the summit of the structure to inform us that malaria is bad. Now if you want to fight the evils of malaria, one would probably do more damage closer to the source: the street food vendors of the city. After questioning Clarke and determining that he did not have a web or facebook page, he was taken in for a psychiatric evaluation.

Send me to Amsterdam!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 4, 2008 by boozecoma

I entered the Beck’s Beer contest to write a blog for them in Amsterdam for 6 months. Aside from the perks available there that would send me to the can here, this writing job is right in my sweet spot as my entry describes:

In between the guy that has a beer at a wedding and the guy that isn’t drunk until he runs out of money, are a legion of beer drinkers that want to impress their drinking squads with slick new euphemisms for what they’re drinking and what to call it after they are done. They need to get this wisdom from somewhere. The somewhere is me and this blog would effectively put me in every bar, party, reception and rodeo on the planet. The Beck’s blog should be like the Farmer’s Almanac: a 365 day guide for how to enjoy Beck’s, but funny, sly and tough enough to steal the Farmer’s girlfriend. People will tell you that the answer to your problems is not in that beer bottle… well it is now!

The only thing as cool as drinking is talking about drinking. You shouldn’t drink at work, in court or behind the wheel, however no apple polishing flatfoot can ever stop you from discussing an ice cold Beck’s beer… as long as you have your cellphone headset in. It seems to me that would be the goal, to get people talking.

I don’t know if my humor translates into German/Dutch/Swedish/Other, but my ability to drink heavily and sleep late certainly do.