Internet Ransom Note

I miss the days when public figures received death threats. The Internet blog has replaced the carefully crafted menacing note created from single alphabet letters that were cut out from old magazines. Fumbling the football too much? Well you better start holding on to that thing or you will find a bomb in your trunk. Showing unsavory television shows on the local station? Yank it for Hee-Haw reruns or gasoline and matches are on the way. In actuality, it’s not the actual horrific violence I pine for-it is the spirit behind the vigilante reactions that seems to be missing. The Internet has made us soft by allowing us to denounce things like fur without taking the time to go out and actually pour paint on the movie star who is wearing it. This weakness is happening for the same reason that non-smokers dictate policy to smokers… they are better organized. The meek have not inherited the earth-they have downloaded it. Here’s the skinny: on the Internet the geeks are the bullies and I am here to get my lunch money back. I have a vigilante plan and what separates me from The Unibomber is the same thing that makes me similar to the I.R.A.- I want credit for what I am doing.

The “geeks” of the world have been tricked into thinking they can be as cool as they were in chess club by embracing the Internet. The myth of making a name for yourself on the Internet is similar to the myth that inspired the garage sale and Punk Rock-Anyone can do it. Yes, anyone can, but everyone can’t. That story about everyone getting 15 minutes of fame? Bullshit. No one wants to listen to 30 seconds of the person next to them on their cell phone, what makes you think we would grant them another 14 and a half? We all cannot be stars because stars do not pay attention to anyone else but themselves and if you are focused on you then you can’t be paying attention to me. So while I have your attention, I would like to re-establish the lost spirit of subversiveness in an open letter to the soon-to-be powerless:

Dear Stumblebum,

GET THE FUCK OFF THE INTERNET!!!! THE WEB IS FOR LOOKING AT NAKED WOMEN AND GETTING MAPQUEST DIRECTIONS TO THE LIQUOR STORE!!!!!!! ANY FURTHER POSTS CONCERNING ANY SUBJECT THAT WON’T GET ME A GIRL’S CELL PHONE NUMBER WILL BE TREATED AS TREASON!!!!!! COMPLY OR YOUR WIRELESS ROUTER WILL NEVER BE SEEN AGAIN!!!!!!

I am dead serious and almost out of Vitamin Water so don’t think I won’t come after you.

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2 Responses to “Internet Ransom Note”

  1. flower spy Says:

    this blog made my day… only my flowers are allowed “15 minutes of fame”… ya know? love the booze-coma wisdom… its zen with a shot of your fav liquor. would that be like “wasted zen?”

  2. KittyKat Says:

    I am getting off the internet right now. Fear or laughter? You decide. I’ve seen you when there’s no vitamin water

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