Archive for December, 2008

Dear John

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on December 29, 2008 by boozecoma

Anything can be funny, but not everything is. My aim on my internet postings here on this blog, and on the Twitter feed that also appears here, is to sift through the shit that comes at me and spin it in to humor using a selective memory, salty language and an extreme hatred of the entire Billy Joel music catalogue. After a recent Twitter post highlighting the most likely enlarged vaginal size of some Arkansas cum-bucket that just had her 18th child, I received a note from a “offended” reader.

According to my fan turned critic, I was guilty of “locker room mentality” in describing “the lord’s greatest gift”. This person also felt that I need to get my ideas from somewhere else other than the “bottom of a whiskey bottle” and should attempt to find new guidance by discovering the Bible. There is additional consultation, but at the risk of looking like a Zagat review, I will pull the plug on the quotation parade.

What stuns me is that it took this long to agitate someone. Jokes, punchlines and comedy are in my mind, confrontations-much in the same way punk music confronts-to inspire action. In effect it’s laugh or walk and I am under the impression that all of my followers on Twitter and my readers and subscribers to this blog find what I have to say pretty fucking funny. Humor, for the most part, should hurt somebody. This bullshit about not laughing at someone, but laughing with someone is only for the axe-wounds who obey the speed limits in construction zones, give-but never take-a-penny and our puritan objector protagonist. Humor is a force, and the momentum and inertia established by something funny has to leave a mark- physical, mental or metaphysical. I want to leave a mark.

Although my naysayer had the tact to contact me about their dissention privately, I feel I owe it to myself and everyone else here at the rodeo to ride this bull in front of all the paying customers:

Dear Sniveler,

I don’t need your help, but if you insist, let me respond to your revisions to my idea of what is humor by saying that ALL good things come from the bottom of a whiskey bottle, most importantly the top of a new bottle. I broadcast under the title Boozecoma, so it is whiskey, scotch, rum, tequila, vodka and cough syrup that we have to thank for my comedic clarity brought about under cloudy conditions. That point that you seem to be missing is you cannot have 18 children without the magic of booze! Using it to grease the wheels of love or to drown out the everlasting din of enough children to complete the 2 full baseball teams, alcohol is a friend here. As far as the birth of a child being a gift, I can say that a gift becomes a doorstop after you get the same one 7 or 8 times in a row. After 18, you need to think about re-gifting or possibly changing some items on the gift registry from “babies” to “condoms” or “vasectomy.” I will not cower to your Bible suggestions and threats. The Bible and “The Eagles Greatest Hits” are the same thing in my mind: They are the top sellers in their medium and they consist of mythological imagery that you would only buy into because you are too afraid to think for yourself. However if you wish to live in a world where religious and puritan finger pointing take the place of facts and logic, I shall be forced to go to the town elders and report you as a witch.


I hope you can float.


Yes Is Not An Option.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 11, 2008 by boozecoma

I was recently turned down for a writing job. At least I think I was… This was my third of 3 interviews with the agency (#1 with HR, #2 with the creative director and #3 with the partner) and on its conclusion I was told that they would be in contact. 10 days and several emails and phone calls later I was as confused as the audience watching a Tom Cruise Nazi war film. Do you want me to work for you? How hard is it to give a yes or no answer? In my effort to understand this bullshit, it occurred to me that this dillhole was incapable of telling me “no”.  The difference between human beings and a disposable lighter is that a human being needs to know when you are done using them, yet most people would rather toss you aside than deal with the commitment of yes or the freedom of “no”. Freedom? Yes, for a swift prompt no will do you a great service. If this company in question had told me honestly why I was not to be part of their plans I would have been able to spend the following week more productively pursuing other writing work and slashing this fucker’s tires. 

The fact is that we need a little more “no-can-do” spirit, and I am offering here some reasons to be positive about being negative.

The first thing I want to offer is if you feel you just don’t have time to say “no” then you are denying yourself your greatest job perk. The absolute instant erection power of deciding the fate of people is intoxicating to have, let alone use-so PRACTICE. On the way to work, don’t look the other way upon refusing to yield to an other car. Look the driver in the eye and tell them- no, wait your turn. If someone wants you to lower your voice during a cellphone call, tell them you can not and please do not interrupt while you are speaking. If your girlfriend asks you to explain the strange email address written in lipstick in your coat pocket, tell her you will not and you question whether you can have a relationship with someone who violates your personal space and belongings.

The key in offering “no” as an answer is to not get cute with your vernacular. “We decided to go in another direction” should only be used if you are casting a film-if you are not with a movie studio when this comes out of your mouth, then the only direction you should concern yourself in going is away from the fist that should be moving toward you rapidly. “I just need to run this by some people first” means you have no juice and should “run” the phone over to someone that has the stones to make a decision. “We should get our ducks in a row” is a metaphor used by people that put a slice of cheese on apple pie. It is a term used in hunting and for you it means you have been shot down and they are looking for the solution elsewhere.

If you attempt to offer a valid explanation along with your rejection for it, that will help the other party understand your position. Just dropping “no” and nothing else gives people the vibe that you are 1 tracksuit away from completing your Jr. wiseguy exam. In addition to giving an explanation, be aware that the other party will try to overcome your objection, and this will be your opportunity to close the door efficiently. Don’t use your rebuff as an opportunity to get cruel. If someone inquires what you ARE you looking for, answering ” Your most current photograph to place at the security desk in order to keep you from coming in here again” is on par to stealing a pair of crutches. Remember, the 5-day waiting period for a handgun expired a decade ago…

Feel free to leave your comments on this-just remember, I have to approve them first.