Archive for January, 2009

Celebrity Hit Parade

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 22, 2009 by boozecoma

There is always one whack job whose head forever spins around what celebrity you would have sex with. Anything will serve as stimulus to start this conversation, which always commences with the name of a hot celebrity, a pause, then the question: “Would you do her?” As if popular and beautiful women bolt directly from the Golden Globe Awards to Jerkwater USA, in order to give some putz with a neck beard the fuck of their sad lives. What kills me is Dr. Daydream actually waits for your answer! Even more ridiculous is the ass-munch that thinks he has a choice and says NO! In reality, only movie stars and guys with enough money to make the size of their sperm tube irrelevant get to truthfully answer that question yes or no. If you work at Jiffy Lube, you don’t get to make a choice because Jessica Alba is not driving down Fuck Street to have you “change her oil.”

Most of us are back in the celebrity love line behind not only George Clooney, but Donny Most and Aldo Nova as well. I don’t want to crush your dream, but it is just that, a dream-and it needs to be downsized to have the slightest chance of it coming true. We also need to consider that for the most part, the more A list the girl is, the more of a life siphon she is. Now before you bullshit me about not caring about verbal chemistry and metaphysical well being, just remember Charlie Sheen can have any woman he wants, but chose to bang call girls. Why? So he wouldn’t have to interact with them. With this in mind, our fantasy dates need to have a skill set that provides additional street credibility. So for all of the stiffs at work, the bar and in the car trying to stay awake on the long ride back from Atlantic City, here is a list of celebrities that I would nail, that I actually might have shot with.


Britney Spears-

britney-spears-bald-400a03020723 years ago this girl was untouchable for anyone who worries about how much F.I.C.A. is taken out of their paycheck. The downward spiral taken by this woman has brought her within reach for any guy that has $95 for a nighttime limo rental. I know she is a train wreck and the score of the game is out of hand at this point, but I don’t mind doing mop-up duty just to get my name in the box score.


Serena Williams-

serena-williams-picture-12Besides being quality backup if I get boxed in by some punks, I should be able to count on appearing on television during the matches when they get sick of showing her father. Whether you find her attractive or not is moot, for having carnal relations with Serena is a caper big enough to make Henry Hill dance in the shower like you just robbed Lufthansa Airlines. Expect to hear your name in conversations like: “Did you hear about Tommy? He’s Fucking Serena Williams…” Followed by pride powered headshakes of awe and approval for going down an uncharted road to instant credibility.


Diane Sawyer-

diane-sawyer-is-drunkDiane Sawyer is an attractive woman, however when she appeared on Good Morning America hammered on a bottle of Malibu Rum, she became the magnetic North Pole of the skank bank. Your mission is much easier when the booze is talking. Everybody has issues, and after 9 sidecars, her issue is most likely not getting a pony for Christmas when she was 11 years old. Job and career conversations take too much time and require you to actively listen. The clock is your enemy here, as you want to leave the bar with her while it is still full so everyone sees you leave with your trophy.


Dawn Wells-

dawn-wells-gets-pinchedI know she is 70, but she was FUCKING MARY ANN! She also has a police record… When you do the math you will realize it is not too late.



Kathy Griffin-

kathy-griffinHow can you not want to be with a girl that screams and cusses on live national television but doesn’t lose her job? Griffin appears on Bravo TV often enough to make it cool. Her show “My Life On The D List” ensures being surrounded by non-threatening Metro-Sexuals who wont try to mack on your girl and lots of other women that will nicely keep you company while she signs autographs. Anyone that works this hard to stay in the outer circles of the public eye is never home, leaving you free to watch ball games and come in at all hours without having to hear all the bullshit.