Archive for March, 2009

Shape Up!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2009 by boozecoma

The people that live directly above me were unusually loud and unruly the other morning. I would not have noticed it if I hadn’t been just getting home… I went upstairs, not to complain, but to see if they needed help disposing of the body and was informed that they were working out with a television exercise program. I thought these shows were just filler used when a network was not able to find an infomercial to put on. I left amazed, not that they were working out to this show, but that anyone actually watched these time siphons.  

If they really wanted the population to watch exercise shows, the network programmers should move them to late night slots. Watching honeys working out on the beach is crafty soft-core porn and the only guys ready to taste that at 7AM are the entry level water-filtration sales fleet checking out of their off-ramp hotels or Kinkos 3rd shifters who can’t catch a World Of Warcaft game online. Even the most focused are not ready to attack a work out, let alone snap one off at that hour, so move these programs to a later time so they can be used as what they were intended for; a preamble to getting your girlfriend to watch that “special” DVD you have hidden behind The Family Guy box set. Working out at home with a TV show should be done to burn calories and would be most effective during prime time (6PM-10PM) at the gym to avoid the crowds and techno music from developing nations. What we need is a list of shows that help you lose weight using proven methods. Thanks to a home cardio workout is a remote click away.


APPETITE SUPPRESSION          Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern

andrew-zimmern-eats-ballsAfter spending your day eating shit at work, school and everywhere else, you can tune in to watch a guy eat everything but a freshly dropped duce. The guy actually eats TESTICLES! Not only does this dude shovel 3 or 4 bites of animal balls down his throat, he swallows and comments “good testicles.” Frightening, for not only does he expose himself as having balls in his mouth before, he tells us he knows the difference between “good” testicles and ones bad enough a slice of cheese wouldn’t improve. I hope they don’t bring him a bill, because, as we all know, if you put balls in your mouth-you are not the one picking up the check…

Watching the gutter runoff this man eats is the best appetite suppressant on TV, surpassing any pill or potion you could buy over the counter. Any vomit that occurs is a bonus.



SLEEP/HYPNOSIS                        How It’s Made  

how-its-madeHands down the most boring program on television. Each show is a hypnotic suggestion that has you believe there is a gas leak in your home. A segment on toothbrushes helps you nod off, followed by a coma-producing piece on oatmeal. The narrator’s voice is softer than a playground pedophile’s with a pocket full of candy. What amazes me is there is footage left out of the show because it is not interesting enough. Never fear! If you are startled from your shuteye, those bonus clips of a guy wringing out a mop are on the website.

It is a fact that we lose weight while we sleep and they normally run these shows back to back for a quality low impact workout.



AEROBIC EXERCISE                       Cops 

cops-wife-beaterThe quintessential in-home work out. You can feel the cardio burn of moving your furniture around to hide a fugitive uncle or the time tested classic, high impact domestic violence! If you don’t feel spousal battery is a hard workout, then why are the perpetrators always shirtless and asleep when the squad car arrives? Make sure you allow yourself plenty of cool down time, so to appear oblivious when the law rings the doorbell.

Exercise shows fail because they feature equipment that you do not have in your home. Machines are expensive and take up too much space. You will gain back the respect you lost in the neighborhood when you bought the giant exercise ball when you get handcuffed and night-sticked in your front yard. 




jim-cramerIf you ever miss an episode of Jim Cramer’s financial wrap-up on CNBC, run down to corner, find a meth addict and ask them an algebra question. You will get the same result. Screaming, pleading, strange voices and about 9 minutes of information squeezed in to an hour. A busy show not only to look at with stock prices shooting by, bullet points about Cramer’s current topic and various items being tossed about the room, the volume of things implore you to dial back the sound like you do when your lost in your car and the radio is too loud. The closest thing there is to this program in the modern world is those Magic Eye illusions-if you ignore the static on the surface you have the chance of seeing something.

Using the right drugs can melt the pounds away. Mad Money recreates the sensation of sweating out your high no matter if you buy your gear from GNC or suck the pipe.