Archive for May, 2009

What’s The Trick?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2009 by boozecoma


viagraRecently a friend reaches out to me looking to score some Viagra pills. You need Viagra? How OLD are you? And how old do you think I am? He tried to assure me the pills were not for him, and he did not have to. If you take Viagra, it is not for you boss, it’s for her… If you are in that deep over your head with a girl that need to wrench it with correctly, the best you can do is, take the pills, hold on, then go to the place in your mind where heroic stories are fabricated and place the order for a tale grand enough to hold our attention, yet flawed enough to be believed.

We love to fool ourselves. Yes, there has to be some element of illusion in life in order for hope to survive, however we can get by if some of this nonsense gets flushed down the toilet. We fool our bodies into thinking there are more than 24 hours in a day by consuming energyhand-sanitizerdrinks. 5 hour berry or 6 hour orange? How about a drink that gives me the last nine months of my life back? Any flavor will be fine. We also kid ourselves with little bottles of hand sanitizers. Yes your hands are clean, but what about the rest of you? The sad truth is since that most diseases are airborne you’re fucked unless you are drinking the sanitizer. The bottle states clearly not to ingest this product, so this miracle cure is as about effective as brushing your teeth to avoid pregnancy.

The show really starts when we try to fool other people. Everyone is an expert about things of little importance such as spitting out bullshit about celebrities. Regurgitating the bad choice made by some stump that appears on TV once or twice a week is scientifically paula-abdul-is-drunkproven to diminish the shortcomings in your own life. Join the program the next time somebody mentions they think Paula Abdul needs to go to rehab. Retort back that they need to move out of their parent’s basement. While we are at it, Non Alcoholic Beer is the comb-over hairdo of the beverage world. The party is over pal and the only one who does not realize it is you. The whole idea of having something behind the bar for the dumbass who ruined their life by drinking too much, yet still longs to run with the crew that help bury them to begin with, is the 13th step: relapse. If you want an alcohol free drink just order a Coors Light like everyone else.

People thrive on any media fabricated positive bullshit that falters under ANY scrutiny, whether it’s Santa Claus or Dave Matthews. Santa? If that fat fuck were real he would have sponsors and reality TV show. Dave Matthews? It can’t be rock music if your mom likes it. Wait-there is more… Those pg2_g_thunderstix_300stupid plastic blow up “Thunder Stix” they use at basketball games to try to show support for the home team and distracting the opposing players. The myth is that by waving them faster, players will miss a shot. If this worked it would be co-opted in other areas of life such as court. Facing 3 long in the hole? Bring the blow up sticks and distract the judge into giving you community service! They don’t work, so put them down and let me watch the cheerleaders. And don’t forget that if you think breakfast is the most important meals of the day because it’s the images-7first-you are a bumpkin. A morning breakfast is like pouring cement down your gullet. Sausage, bacon, pancakes? That shit will kill you and it weighs a metric fucking ton. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day only if it follows a keg party. That food is a booze sponge that preps you for dealing with anyone who expected you home 4 hours ago.

The reality of it all is if something is really stupid, if you ignore it, eventually it just goes away like the pain in your tooth, the landlord or American Dad.