Save The Tiger

Tiger Woods is on the cover of Vanity Fair magazine. Is he pregnant? Is he in a new Melanie Griffith movie? No, Tiger Woods is on the cover of a women’s monthly because he is a pussy. How did he go from a badass with his own video game to Bravo Channel gay in a few short weeks? That is what the Boozecoma humor blog is here to explain.

Tigress Woods wrecked his car less than 100 yards from his front door-but that does not knock you down the manhood food chain. Hiding in your house and not speaking to anyone like a 7 year old girl that wet her pants at the mall does. Cowering out of sight is what wussies afraid of losing their lunch money do. His wife came out and got him out of his car by using a golf club-what she should have done, is hit him with a pool cue to get some English out of him. When you fuck up like this you don’t need a lawyer, you need a story. When bad-asses get in situations like this they respond by telling a good story then go out to eat a raw steak. All Tigress Woods had to do was tell the reporters: “The car wreck? I sliced it… I must have lifted my head while driving and it tailed off to the left.” There would have been some laughter and some applause and that would have been the end of it.

Tigress Woods made a huge error with the kind of women he cheated on his wife with. These bimbos were “StarFuckers” and StarFuckers don’t want to fuck you-they want to be famous and they get that by talking about fucking you. That kind for free publicity backfires when your wife isn’t “cool” with it and those sexting messages come back to haunt you like that mysterious new dent on your mom’s car that appeared when she was out of town. If Woods were smart he would have fucked married women. Sleeping with a married woman is the closest you will ever get to having sex with a ninja. Married women are on a schedule, pay for trysts in cash, delete text messages right after they read them and most importantly THEY DON’T TALK!

Tigress Woods could have become Tiger again by telling ESPN to shut the fuck up and stop detailing his life like some bullshit reality show. ESPN seems to have dropped the S-P-N from their name and become the E Channel with emphasis taken away from real sports and focusing on what could be mistaken for what housewives call “My Stories.” Instead of calling ESPN and telling them to take their dresses off and put the god damned game on, Tigress is on his way to explaining himself on Oprah. That’s no cakewalk either. I am sure everyone in Oprah’s audience thought they were getting cars the day Mackenzie Phillips announced she had sex with her dad, so you better bring some fudge with your tears.

Tiger Woods has succeeded in reminding us that golf is for dorks. And as a dork you have 2 choices: fight back or change schools…

3 Responses to “Save The Tiger”

  1. flower spy Says:

    So right you are Mr. Coma…

    Tigress is the definition of a pussy. After becoming (embarassingly-really how could I not…) obsessed with all things ‘Tiger’ for the last month, I still wait with bated breath for that “I’m sorry I’m a sex addict who likes whorey girls even tho I’m married to a smoking hottie” speech. But it looks like that scenario will have to play out in my mind. All I can say is…Tiger-beat better have some disfigurement from that 9 iron.

  2. haha, Tiger is so wild! Hopefully he recovers from this..

  3. Reduce the complexity of life by eliminating the needless wants of life, and the labors of life reduce themselves.

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