Archive for February, 2010

Super Blow

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2010 by boozecoma

The heavy snow on the East Coast caused my weekly “Unsportsmanlike Conduct” segment on “The Fighting Ungers” Fox1370AM sports talk show to be postponed. Now since this week’s offering was on how the Super Bowl was going to suck-I can’t save it until next Saturday so I thought I would offer it to you here.

There are signs in today’s society to let you know if something is going to suck. Dan Aykroyd is the kiss of death for a movie, you need to hightail it out of a restaurant that has Salisbury steak on the menu as well as any date where a grown woman mentions her stuffed animal collection.

Super Bowl XLIV is going suck hard. All you need to do is look at the prop bets for the foreshadowing proof. The props (short for proposition) are those unrelated-to-the-game crazy bets that are the gamblers equivalent of ordering from the kids menu. The crazier the bets offered-the more boring the game is going to be. The wealth of dumb-ass prop bets on the board for this year’s Super Bowl lead me to believe I will be flipping over to Telemundo for wild Latin police chases by the 2nd quarter.

Joining the normal point spread and over/under bets are the chances to flush your money down the toilet with the ridiculous “how many times will they cut to shots of Kim Kardashian.”  Really? Did The Bravo Channel outbid CBS for the game at the last minute? My guess is instead of dropping green money on this foolishness most sports fans will use their betting roll for chicken wire to protect their big screens from the beer bottles they chuck at the screen every time this happens. You see, with a real football bet there is a real threat of things not happening due to forces on the field that don’t affect these crazy prop bets. I would be more likely to make a celebrity-based wager if a 240-pound linebacker was blitzing them to keep them off the television. Gamblers are always looking for an extra edge but if you are reading InStyle Magazine for it, then you probably think Jimmy The Greek was in that fat wedding movie. Face it… if there was real money to be made on these bets, the cameraman would be getting a visit from some guys named Jimmy Circles and Shoehorn Franchaizi before the game to let him know the appropriate number of shots they need for the Kardashian “thing.”

There are other stupid bets like wagering on the “coin flip.” The more ridiculous the bet; the more ridiculous the payout should be if you win. You bet the “Heads/Tails” option on the coin flip and win: you get paid in coins like the old tracksuit wearing scooter jockey that works the nickel slots.  Instead of betting on what color Gatorade gets dumped on the winning coach I would rather text money to a fund that would stop that from ever happening again.

These bets are actually a small part of a larger problem: the game has become a distraction and the distractions have become the game. This game is going to suck so bad they want you to focus on the halftime show and the ads! Watching the Super Bowl for the commercials and half time show is like getting a lap dance because you’re cold.

As I said to a friend of mine who wears hideous shirts: “If you keep buying them-They’re going to keep making them” and it’s the same with these prop bets. As long as there are degenerate gamblers and people that watch “The View” you will have a chance to win big money if they douse the coach with blue Gatorade…and a little bit less if it’s orange.

So here is my advice to anyone that wants to put money on the game-take the over. It’s the over on the National Anthem. The current betting line is at 1minute and 43 seconds for Carrie Underwood to sing the “Star Spangled Banner.” Bet the house that she takes longer… Reader’s Digest or The Ramones couldn’t burn through the song that fast.