What’s The Trick?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 14, 2009 by boozecoma

 

viagraRecently a friend reaches out to me looking to score some Viagra pills. You need Viagra? How OLD are you? And how old do you think I am? He tried to assure me the pills were not for him, and he did not have to. If you take Viagra, it is not for you boss, it’s for her… If you are in that deep over your head with a girl that need to wrench it with correctly, the best you can do is, take the pills, hold on, then go to the place in your mind where heroic stories are fabricated and place the order for a tale grand enough to hold our attention, yet flawed enough to be believed.

We love to fool ourselves. Yes, there has to be some element of illusion in life in order for hope to survive, however we can get by if some of this nonsense gets flushed down the toilet. We fool our bodies into thinking there are more than 24 hours in a day by consuming energyhand-sanitizerdrinks. 5 hour berry or 6 hour orange? How about a drink that gives me the last nine months of my life back? Any flavor will be fine. We also kid ourselves with little bottles of hand sanitizers. Yes your hands are clean, but what about the rest of you? The sad truth is since that most diseases are airborne you’re fucked unless you are drinking the sanitizer. The bottle states clearly not to ingest this product, so this miracle cure is as about effective as brushing your teeth to avoid pregnancy.

The show really starts when we try to fool other people. Everyone is an expert about things of little importance such as spitting out bullshit about celebrities. Regurgitating the bad choice made by some stump that appears on TV once or twice a week is scientifically paula-abdul-is-drunkproven to diminish the shortcomings in your own life. Join the program the next time somebody mentions they think Paula Abdul needs to go to rehab. Retort back that they need to move out of their parent’s basement. While we are at it, Non Alcoholic Beer is the comb-over hairdo of the beverage world. The party is over pal and the only one who does not realize it is you. The whole idea of having something behind the bar for the dumbass who ruined their life by drinking too much, yet still longs to run with the crew that help bury them to begin with, is the 13th step: relapse. If you want an alcohol free drink just order a Coors Light like everyone else.

People thrive on any media fabricated positive bullshit that falters under ANY scrutiny, whether it’s Santa Claus or Dave Matthews. Santa? If that fat fuck were real he would have sponsors and reality TV show. Dave Matthews? It can’t be rock music if your mom likes it. Wait-there is more… Those pg2_g_thunderstix_300stupid plastic blow up “Thunder Stix” they use at basketball games to try to show support for the home team and distracting the opposing players. The myth is that by waving them faster, players will miss a shot. If this worked it would be co-opted in other areas of life such as court. Facing 3 long in the hole? Bring the blow up sticks and distract the judge into giving you community service! They don’t work, so put them down and let me watch the cheerleaders. And don’t forget that if you think breakfast is the most important meals of the day because it’s the images-7first-you are a bumpkin. A morning breakfast is like pouring cement down your gullet. Sausage, bacon, pancakes? That shit will kill you and it weighs a metric fucking ton. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day only if it follows a keg party. That food is a booze sponge that preps you for dealing with anyone who expected you home 4 hours ago.

The reality of it all is if something is really stupid, if you ignore it, eventually it just goes away like the pain in your tooth, the landlord or American Dad.

Shape Up!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 26, 2009 by boozecoma

The people that live directly above me were unusually loud and unruly the other morning. I would not have noticed it if I hadn’t been just getting home… I went upstairs, not to complain, but to see if they needed help disposing of the body and was informed that they were working out with a television exercise program. I thought these shows were just filler used when a network was not able to find an infomercial to put on. I left amazed, not that they were working out to this show, but that anyone actually watched these time siphons.  

If they really wanted the population to watch exercise shows, the network programmers should move them to late night slots. Watching honeys working out on the beach is crafty soft-core porn and the only guys ready to taste that at 7AM are the entry level water-filtration sales fleet checking out of their off-ramp hotels or Kinkos 3rd shifters who can’t catch a World Of Warcaft game online. Even the most focused are not ready to attack a work out, let alone snap one off at that hour, so move these programs to a later time so they can be used as what they were intended for; a preamble to getting your girlfriend to watch that “special” DVD you have hidden behind The Family Guy box set. Working out at home with a TV show should be done to burn calories and would be most effective during prime time (6PM-10PM) at the gym to avoid the crowds and techno music from developing nations. What we need is a list of shows that help you lose weight using proven methods. Thanks to Boozecoma.com a home cardio workout is a remote click away.

 

APPETITE SUPPRESSION          Bizarre Foods With Andrew Zimmern

andrew-zimmern-eats-ballsAfter spending your day eating shit at work, school and everywhere else, you can tune in to watch a guy eat everything but a freshly dropped duce. The guy actually eats TESTICLES! Not only does this dude shovel 3 or 4 bites of animal balls down his throat, he swallows and comments “good testicles.” Frightening, for not only does he expose himself as having balls in his mouth before, he tells us he knows the difference between “good” testicles and ones bad enough a slice of cheese wouldn’t improve. I hope they don’t bring him a bill, because, as we all know, if you put balls in your mouth-you are not the one picking up the check…

Watching the gutter runoff this man eats is the best appetite suppressant on TV, surpassing any pill or potion you could buy over the counter. Any vomit that occurs is a bonus.

CALORIES LOST PER EPISODE:   110

 

SLEEP/HYPNOSIS                        How It’s Made  

how-its-madeHands down the most boring program on television. Each show is a hypnotic suggestion that has you believe there is a gas leak in your home. A segment on toothbrushes helps you nod off, followed by a coma-producing piece on oatmeal. The narrator’s voice is softer than a playground pedophile’s with a pocket full of candy. What amazes me is there is footage left out of the show because it is not interesting enough. Never fear! If you are startled from your shuteye, those bonus clips of a guy wringing out a mop are on the website.

It is a fact that we lose weight while we sleep and they normally run these shows back to back for a quality low impact workout.

CALORIES LOST PER EPISODE:   39

 

AEROBIC EXERCISE                       Cops 

cops-wife-beaterThe quintessential in-home work out. You can feel the cardio burn of moving your furniture around to hide a fugitive uncle or the time tested classic, high impact domestic violence! If you don’t feel spousal battery is a hard workout, then why are the perpetrators always shirtless and asleep when the squad car arrives? Make sure you allow yourself plenty of cool down time, so to appear oblivious when the law rings the doorbell.

Exercise shows fail because they feature equipment that you do not have in your home. Machines are expensive and take up too much space. You will gain back the respect you lost in the neighborhood when you bought the giant exercise ball when you get handcuffed and night-sticked in your front yard. 

CALORIES LOST PER EPISODE:    236

 

CONTROLLED SUBSTANCES      Mad Money

jim-cramerIf you ever miss an episode of Jim Cramer’s financial wrap-up on CNBC, run down to corner, find a meth addict and ask them an algebra question. You will get the same result. Screaming, pleading, strange voices and about 9 minutes of information squeezed in to an hour. A busy show not only to look at with stock prices shooting by, bullet points about Cramer’s current topic and various items being tossed about the room, the volume of things implore you to dial back the sound like you do when your lost in your car and the radio is too loud. The closest thing there is to this program in the modern world is those Magic Eye illusions-if you ignore the static on the surface you have the chance of seeing something.

Using the right drugs can melt the pounds away. Mad Money recreates the sensation of sweating out your high no matter if you buy your gear from GNC or suck the pipe.

CALORIES LOST PER EPISODE:    407


An Open Letter To Michael Phelps

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , on February 10, 2009 by boozecoma

Dear Mr. Phelps,

I am impressed. You have navigated though this bong toot B.S. relatively intact while the sycophants who tried to profit at your expense have been nicked by the law. Who would not be amped about having Michael Phelps, not only on the scene at your party, but laying it down with the crew on the pipe? There is going to be a line-and I am in it. When I reach the front of the line, however, I will be smacking you.

I have no fear of repercussion, for if you had anyone watching your back, they would have snatched that fucking camera from that pre-failure major before you started to cough your way to High Town. No one else will rush me for I just SMACKED Michael Phelps, and I now own the room. Why the heavy hand? Because you have a lesson to learn golden boy, and the lesson is that BOOZE is your friend and weed will sack you.

Need proof? look around you. Babe Ruth was a drunk, yet loved more than Brazilian hooker. Ricky Williams lights up daily and stills gets charged for sodas in restaurants. Charles Barkley goes to bars and throws mouthy douchebags out the front window, has a weekly TV gig, yet former Laker Corie Blount, got cuffed with 11 pounds of Marijuana and now gets to apply his degree in criminal justice.

It did not take me long “experimenting” with marijuana to get to the point of rejecting it. In order to “score” some smoke. I had arrange a meeting with some jamoke on the other side of town at his convenience. Exact change was needed, and we had to share some of what we just purchased with this weaksauce to show our gratitude for allowing him to show a profit. Hey Jag-Off! I am going to the bar around the corner from now on. They have better hours, a wider selection and no risk of possession arrest. I hand the bartender money and not do I only get change back, but there are girls there. The only time I saw a women in your attic apartment is when your mom came up to drop off your laundry. Let’s face it, the name of this site is Boozecoma.com and the humor within it,  is fueled from it’s rebellious makeup. If I chose to smoke dope, I would be the author of a rambling unreadable blog about cheese and recycling batteries.

In short:

1) Booze will never rat you out to the British Newspapers.

2) Booze will be advertising during the next Olympics.

3) Booze is your friend.

It is time to drink our way to freedom.

McClellan

What The Fuck Are You Looking At?

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , on February 4, 2009 by boozecoma

john-mcclellan-gives-you-the-fingerLet’s face it; an item is truly powerful when it saves your ass. Example? scooters are gay until it becomes a getaway vehicle.  With that said, the site link, used on blogs and web sites is one of those powerful items that can bail you out. Let’s imagine that when George Harrison recorded “My Sweet Lord” instead of including the track on the album, he linked “He’s So Fine” to his work. He would have saved a lot of legal green. Or instead of going into stand up comedy, Dane Cook had a web site that linked the jokes he took from other comics. 

The link has enabled me to generate many additional exposures for this site. I need more people to read and subscribe to this, for the juice that get from visits pushes me to create the caustic drunken humor that fills our hearts with hate and laughter, so thanks to TastyBooze.com and MikeDoe.net for putting a porthole on their sites to here. 

Naturally, the new Boozecoma post is on another site, which you can read by following this link: PointlessBanter.net. There will be a new full post soon but until then, the copious amount of geek/computer activity calls for a self-intervention of Dead Boys and a Vodka fueled fistfight.

Celebrity Hit Parade

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on January 22, 2009 by boozecoma

There is always one whack job whose head forever spins around what celebrity you would have sex with. Anything will serve as stimulus to start this conversation, which always commences with the name of a hot celebrity, a pause, then the question: “Would you do her?” As if popular and beautiful women bolt directly from the Golden Globe Awards to Jerkwater USA, in order to give some putz with a neck beard the fuck of their sad lives. What kills me is Dr. Daydream actually waits for your answer! Even more ridiculous is the ass-munch that thinks he has a choice and says NO! In reality, only movie stars and guys with enough money to make the size of their sperm tube irrelevant get to truthfully answer that question yes or no. If you work at Jiffy Lube, you don’t get to make a choice because Jessica Alba is not driving down Fuck Street to have you “change her oil.”

Most of us are back in the celebrity love line behind not only George Clooney, but Donny Most and Aldo Nova as well. I don’t want to crush your dream, but it is just that, a dream-and it needs to be downsized to have the slightest chance of it coming true. We also need to consider that for the most part, the more A list the girl is, the more of a life siphon she is. Now before you bullshit me about not caring about verbal chemistry and metaphysical well being, just remember Charlie Sheen can have any woman he wants, but chose to bang call girls. Why? So he wouldn’t have to interact with them. With this in mind, our fantasy dates need to have a skill set that provides additional street credibility. So for all of the stiffs at work, the bar and in the car trying to stay awake on the long ride back from Atlantic City, here is a list of celebrities that I would nail, that I actually might have shot with.

 

Britney Spears-

britney-spears-bald-400a03020723 years ago this girl was untouchable for anyone who worries about how much F.I.C.A. is taken out of their paycheck. The downward spiral taken by this woman has brought her within reach for any guy that has $95 for a nighttime limo rental. I know she is a train wreck and the score of the game is out of hand at this point, but I don’t mind doing mop-up duty just to get my name in the box score.

 

Serena Williams-

serena-williams-picture-12Besides being quality backup if I get boxed in by some punks, I should be able to count on appearing on television during the matches when they get sick of showing her father. Whether you find her attractive or not is moot, for having carnal relations with Serena is a caper big enough to make Henry Hill dance in the shower like you just robbed Lufthansa Airlines. Expect to hear your name in conversations like: “Did you hear about Tommy? He’s Fucking Serena Williams…” Followed by pride powered headshakes of awe and approval for going down an uncharted road to instant credibility.

 

Diane Sawyer-

diane-sawyer-is-drunkDiane Sawyer is an attractive woman, however when she appeared on Good Morning America hammered on a bottle of Malibu Rum, she became the magnetic North Pole of the skank bank. Your mission is much easier when the booze is talking. Everybody has issues, and after 9 sidecars, her issue is most likely not getting a pony for Christmas when she was 11 years old. Job and career conversations take too much time and require you to actively listen. The clock is your enemy here, as you want to leave the bar with her while it is still full so everyone sees you leave with your trophy.

 

Dawn Wells-

dawn-wells-gets-pinchedI know she is 70, but she was FUCKING MARY ANN! She also has a police record… When you do the math you will realize it is not too late.

 

 

Kathy Griffin-

kathy-griffinHow can you not want to be with a girl that screams and cusses on live national television but doesn’t lose her job? Griffin appears on Bravo TV often enough to make it cool. Her show “My Life On The D List” ensures being surrounded by non-threatening Metro-Sexuals who wont try to mack on your girl and lots of other women that will nicely keep you company while she signs autographs. Anyone that works this hard to stay in the outer circles of the public eye is never home, leaving you free to watch ball games and come in at all hours without having to hear all the bullshit.

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Dear John

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , on December 29, 2008 by boozecoma

Anything can be funny, but not everything is. My aim on my internet postings here on this blog, and on the Twitter feed that also appears here, is to sift through the shit that comes at me and spin it in to humor using a selective memory, salty language and an extreme hatred of the entire Billy Joel music catalogue. After a recent Twitter post highlighting the most likely enlarged vaginal size of some Arkansas cum-bucket that just had her 18th child, I received a note from a “offended” reader.

According to my fan turned critic, I was guilty of “locker room mentality” in describing “the lord’s greatest gift”. This person also felt that I need to get my ideas from somewhere else other than the “bottom of a whiskey bottle” and should attempt to find new guidance by discovering the Bible. There is additional consultation, but at the risk of looking like a Zagat review, I will pull the plug on the quotation parade.

What stuns me is that it took this long to agitate someone. Jokes, punchlines and comedy are in my mind, confrontations-much in the same way punk music confronts-to inspire action. In effect it’s laugh or walk and I am under the impression that all of my followers on Twitter and my readers and subscribers to this blog find what I have to say pretty fucking funny. Humor, for the most part, should hurt somebody. This bullshit about not laughing at someone, but laughing with someone is only for the axe-wounds who obey the speed limits in construction zones, give-but never take-a-penny and our puritan objector protagonist. Humor is a force, and the momentum and inertia established by something funny has to leave a mark- physical, mental or metaphysical. I want to leave a mark.

Although my naysayer had the tact to contact me about their dissention privately, I feel I owe it to myself and everyone else here at the rodeo to ride this bull in front of all the paying customers:

Dear Sniveler,

I don’t need your help, but if you insist, let me respond to your revisions to my idea of what is humor by saying that ALL good things come from the bottom of a whiskey bottle, most importantly the top of a new bottle. I broadcast under the title Boozecoma, so it is whiskey, scotch, rum, tequila, vodka and cough syrup that we have to thank for my comedic clarity brought about under cloudy conditions. That point that you seem to be missing is you cannot have 18 children without the magic of booze! Using it to grease the wheels of love or to drown out the everlasting din of enough children to complete the 2 full baseball teams, alcohol is a friend here. As far as the birth of a child being a gift, I can say that a gift becomes a doorstop after you get the same one 7 or 8 times in a row. After 18, you need to think about re-gifting or possibly changing some items on the gift registry from “babies” to “condoms” or “vasectomy.” I will not cower to your Bible suggestions and threats. The Bible and “The Eagles Greatest Hits” are the same thing in my mind: They are the top sellers in their medium and they consist of mythological imagery that you would only buy into because you are too afraid to think for yourself. However if you wish to live in a world where religious and puritan finger pointing take the place of facts and logic, I shall be forced to go to the town elders and report you as a witch.

 

I hope you can float.

McClellan

Yes Is Not An Option.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 11, 2008 by boozecoma

I was recently turned down for a writing job. At least I think I was… This was my third of 3 interviews with the agency (#1 with HR, #2 with the creative director and #3 with the partner) and on its conclusion I was told that they would be in contact. 10 days and several emails and phone calls later I was as confused as the audience watching a Tom Cruise Nazi war film. Do you want me to work for you? How hard is it to give a yes or no answer? In my effort to understand this bullshit, it occurred to me that this dillhole was incapable of telling me “no”.  The difference between human beings and a disposable lighter is that a human being needs to know when you are done using them, yet most people would rather toss you aside than deal with the commitment of yes or the freedom of “no”. Freedom? Yes, for a swift prompt no will do you a great service. If this company in question had told me honestly why I was not to be part of their plans I would have been able to spend the following week more productively pursuing other writing work and slashing this fucker’s tires. 

The fact is that we need a little more “no-can-do” spirit, and I am offering here some reasons to be positive about being negative.

The first thing I want to offer is if you feel you just don’t have time to say “no” then you are denying yourself your greatest job perk. The absolute instant erection power of deciding the fate of people is intoxicating to have, let alone use-so PRACTICE. On the way to work, don’t look the other way upon refusing to yield to an other car. Look the driver in the eye and tell them- no, wait your turn. If someone wants you to lower your voice during a cellphone call, tell them you can not and please do not interrupt while you are speaking. If your girlfriend asks you to explain the strange email address written in lipstick in your coat pocket, tell her you will not and you question whether you can have a relationship with someone who violates your personal space and belongings.

The key in offering “no” as an answer is to not get cute with your vernacular. “We decided to go in another direction” should only be used if you are casting a film-if you are not with a movie studio when this comes out of your mouth, then the only direction you should concern yourself in going is away from the fist that should be moving toward you rapidly. “I just need to run this by some people first” means you have no juice and should “run” the phone over to someone that has the stones to make a decision. “We should get our ducks in a row” is a metaphor used by people that put a slice of cheese on apple pie. It is a term used in hunting and for you it means you have been shot down and they are looking for the solution elsewhere.

If you attempt to offer a valid explanation along with your rejection for it, that will help the other party understand your position. Just dropping “no” and nothing else gives people the vibe that you are 1 tracksuit away from completing your Jr. wiseguy exam. In addition to giving an explanation, be aware that the other party will try to overcome your objection, and this will be your opportunity to close the door efficiently. Don’t use your rebuff as an opportunity to get cruel. If someone inquires what you ARE you looking for, answering ” Your most current photograph to place at the security desk in order to keep you from coming in here again” is on par to stealing a pair of crutches. Remember, the 5-day waiting period for a handgun expired a decade ago…

Feel free to leave your comments on this-just remember, I have to approve them first.