Archive for Bar Soap

Garbage Out

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 27, 2010 by boozecoma

As I walked past the row of recycling bins at my local market, the corner of my eye catches something that pushes me to the brink on this recycling bullshit; a receptacle for recycling cork. CORK! What kind of drunk do you think I am? If you are drinking enough wine to be able to recycle the tops, you’re a screw top man. Additionally, what self-respecting landowner or local merchant is willing to drop more than one cork at a time in front of a crowd of neighborhood snoops with Facebook equipped smartphones at their fingertips?
Recycling has spun out of control and no one wants to be the ironic one to “trash” the subject. We got hooked on the “Be good to the Earth” jazz when sandal-free people with regular bathing habits began to chirp off about the magic of spinning straw into gold by separating your plastics. The less than “groovy” but simple fact is we need to start throwing some shit out. Why do we hang on to old crap like grandma hangs on to the handrail after 3 scotch and milks? We are 10 years into the 21st century and it is time to slash and burn the sentimental junk that we never should have carried into this decade. What do you think they did with the gumball machines that once stood where the recycling bin with the special cork hole is currently? Now as part of my continuing service to the brilliant citizens that read the Boozecoma.com humor blog, I have compiled a list of extractable items still with us that combined aren’t worth a pint of piss and need to be washed out of our memory 1950’s C.I.A. style.

Ovaltine
This is the drink your mom bought when she was mad at you. Still on the shelves at grocery stores around the country because no one drinks it other than the Amish looking kids you went to school with whose name your teachers could never pronounce. This powder produces a liquid so bad mixing it with booze will not improve the flavor. The big “O” (as in “Oh noooooo…”) has been around way too long, and with nobody drinking it will not go away on its own, so the only way to bring it down is to actually buy it, drink it and vomit all over YouTube.

Candy Canes
These tasteless red and white striped sticks are a popular Christmas tree decoration because they are the only food bad enough to try to put back onto a tree. The candy cane people blew it by not having that shotgun blast flavor that modern candy punches us in the face with and therefore appealing only to the small section of the God fearing public that find oatmeal a bit aggressive. These things are better used as weapons than treats. File down the end to make your own holiday prison shiv to wave around when you get a present you don’t like.

The Unicycle
This contraption might be the hardest to wipe off the map as most unicycle operators are only seen in public wearing clown makeup that conceals their identity and making them harder to track down. And get this; Unicycles offer a reverse gravitational pull-the very unique ability to suck to cool out of anything (strippers…cool, strippers on unicycles…fuck you). Need more proof? You can’t use a unicycle for transportation, as it takes much longer to get where you are going as a result of getting knocked down by all the people who think you are a dork. That, of course, would be everybody.

Bar Soap
If bar soap really worked why do you have to wash it off after you used it? Do you honestly expect to clean yourself with something touched by so many dirty people? Now days everything has instructions and the ones on bar soap should read: “Use water to make lather. Have slip out of hands. Repeat.” Here is the bottom line: Bar soap is so far down the cleaning product ladder they wouldn’t even use it to wash oil covered seagulls during the recent Gulf spill crisis. If birds could speak they would have taken one look that foamy hunk and said: “Get that the fuck away from me! Are those pubes?”

Groundhog Day
I will believe animal weather forecasts when animal sports scores and animal entertainment news follow it. Hundreds of morons standing around with cameras waiting for a creature to come out of hibernation and when it finally happens, he gets pissed and ducks back inside. This is the hillbilly equivalent of asking Sean Penn for the 5 day forecast. This stumblebum parade is not only loosing a coin toss by being only 39% accurate there are 9 whole fucking years of the “Whack-A-Mole” bullshit unaccounted for. Crackheads keep better track of their affairs.

Brandy
Brandy is not an after dinner drink-it is an after Civil War drink. Brandy should have died out when they invented anesthesia but it keeps hanging around like that creepy guy outside the Laundromat. There are quite possibly more men and women out there that could give you the basic rules of squash than could name a brand of brandy. If you don’t believe me consider this, when you go to a restaurant with an old codger that looks to have a glass of this swill, they just ask for a brandy so as not to get the blank stare from the service staff. The bonus comes when your waiter knows not only how many brandys the place offers, but the names of the choices… Here’s a fucktard who has given up on breaking through in regional dinner theatre and has decided to take his job way too seriously.

The Family Circus
What century was this shit circle comic strip funny in? I really would like to have something funny to say about how unfunny the chodes that act as the creative force behind The Family Circus are, but I can’t. What happens every time I try to put pen to paper, the thought of these worthless asshats cashing a check on a Boston Pancake this bad makes me want go out and fight the ice cream man. Die in a fire.

Checkers
Checkers… the official game for recovering victims of head-on collisions and hobos. The good news here is that all 3 are on their way out. If you are reading this and have recently played a game of checkers, welcome first time Internet user! Checkers only uses the dark squares on the board and is so unpopular; it has failed to even place a porn banner ad on the unused squares. If anyone cared about this game there would be a Wii version of it.

Now as much as I would love to get rid of this stuff, there is far too much to bag up at the curb. So what do we do? The same thing we do with everything else that has out lived its usefulness…it becomes a Ryan Reynolds movie.