Archive for Blog

Scream Dream

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2010 by boozecoma

 

The Boozecoma Humor blog is on the move! I am merging the blog with my Boozecoma.com website because quite frankly, it’s a fuck of a lot easier for me. Look at it this way: it’s not last call, we are just moving to an other bar. Thanks for your support here and I think you will like the new site.

 

I don’t want to hear about anybody dreams anymore. The current trend is to take the most ridiculous unrealistic bullshit and title it your “dream” so everyone around doesn’t pimp slap you. Why is the economy is such bad shape? Dreams. “My dream is to own a home but I work as a port-a-john mopper.” Wow, I can’t believe they lost their house!  “This high end garden hose boutique has been my life long dream!” The store is closed and now you’re sucking on the hose to get by. Dreams are many things but they should never be a business plan. Do you know the difference between a dream and a nightmare? Who’s having it. For every girl who wakes up screaming from a fire nightmare there is a broken hearted guy daydreaming about that very thing happening. Your dream job is a real sleep time traumatic experience for somebody with “fuck you ” money and the thoughts that cause my rapid eye movement are the things 12 step programs are made of.

 

What I dream about at night would make Eraserhead look like a coloring book. So who is the warlock that can clearly lasso in what is actually happening when they sleep to the point that they can get direction from it? If I lived my dreams, I would be down at the car wash covered in Play Doh talking to girl that sat next to me in 11th grade English class. Dreams just come to you at night and require no work other than cleaning up after the scary or good ones…

 

 

What we need to do is replace the word “dream” in our language with words such as “far fetched plan” or “crackpipe idea” not to ridicule but instill the need for a FUCKING BACKUP PLAN. All successful people have a plan “B”. Richard Nixon’s “dream” (ironically) was to work for the F.B.I. Lars Urlich of Metallica aspired to be a pro tennis player andWhoopi Goldberg wanted to pretty and funny. Do you know how I know dreams are bullshit? Because they need to be interpreted. What a fucking scam! Who does this? It’s the same douchebag that tells you what your used car is worth. Living the dream, dream job, dream vacation… if your dreams come true, all I can say is run for your fucking life!

 

Super Blow

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2010 by boozecoma

The heavy snow on the East Coast caused my weekly “Unsportsmanlike Conduct” segment on “The Fighting Ungers” Fox1370AM sports talk show to be postponed. Now since this week’s offering was on how the Super Bowl was going to suck-I can’t save it until next Saturday so I thought I would offer it to you here.

There are signs in today’s society to let you know if something is going to suck. Dan Aykroyd is the kiss of death for a movie, you need to hightail it out of a restaurant that has Salisbury steak on the menu as well as any date where a grown woman mentions her stuffed animal collection.

Super Bowl XLIV is going suck hard. All you need to do is look at the prop bets for the foreshadowing proof. The props (short for proposition) are those unrelated-to-the-game crazy bets that are the gamblers equivalent of ordering from the kids menu. The crazier the bets offered-the more boring the game is going to be. The wealth of dumb-ass prop bets on the board for this year’s Super Bowl lead me to believe I will be flipping over to Telemundo for wild Latin police chases by the 2nd quarter.

Joining the normal point spread and over/under bets are the chances to flush your money down the toilet with the ridiculous “how many times will they cut to shots of Kim Kardashian.”  Really? Did The Bravo Channel outbid CBS for the game at the last minute? My guess is instead of dropping green money on this foolishness most sports fans will use their betting roll for chicken wire to protect their big screens from the beer bottles they chuck at the screen every time this happens. You see, with a real football bet there is a real threat of things not happening due to forces on the field that don’t affect these crazy prop bets. I would be more likely to make a celebrity-based wager if a 240-pound linebacker was blitzing them to keep them off the television. Gamblers are always looking for an extra edge but if you are reading InStyle Magazine for it, then you probably think Jimmy The Greek was in that fat wedding movie. Face it… if there was real money to be made on these bets, the cameraman would be getting a visit from some guys named Jimmy Circles and Shoehorn Franchaizi before the game to let him know the appropriate number of shots they need for the Kardashian “thing.”

There are other stupid bets like wagering on the “coin flip.” The more ridiculous the bet; the more ridiculous the payout should be if you win. You bet the “Heads/Tails” option on the coin flip and win: you get paid in coins like the old tracksuit wearing scooter jockey that works the nickel slots.  Instead of betting on what color Gatorade gets dumped on the winning coach I would rather text money to a fund that would stop that from ever happening again.

These bets are actually a small part of a larger problem: the game has become a distraction and the distractions have become the game. This game is going to suck so bad they want you to focus on the halftime show and the ads! Watching the Super Bowl for the commercials and half time show is like getting a lap dance because you’re cold.

As I said to a friend of mine who wears hideous shirts: “If you keep buying them-They’re going to keep making them” and it’s the same with these prop bets. As long as there are degenerate gamblers and people that watch “The View” you will have a chance to win big money if they douse the coach with blue Gatorade…and a little bit less if it’s orange.

So here is my advice to anyone that wants to put money on the game-take the over. It’s the over on the National Anthem. The current betting line is at 1minute and 43 seconds for Carrie Underwood to sing the “Star Spangled Banner.” Bet the house that she takes longer… Reader’s Digest or The Ramones couldn’t burn through the song that fast.

Send me to Amsterdam!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , on June 4, 2008 by boozecoma

I entered the Beck’s Beer contest to write a blog for them in Amsterdam for 6 months. Aside from the perks available there that would send me to the can here, this writing job is right in my sweet spot as my entry describes:

In between the guy that has a beer at a wedding and the guy that isn’t drunk until he runs out of money, are a legion of beer drinkers that want to impress their drinking squads with slick new euphemisms for what they’re drinking and what to call it after they are done. They need to get this wisdom from somewhere. The somewhere is me and this blog would effectively put me in every bar, party, reception and rodeo on the planet. The Beck’s blog should be like the Farmer’s Almanac: a 365 day guide for how to enjoy Beck’s, but funny, sly and tough enough to steal the Farmer’s girlfriend. People will tell you that the answer to your problems is not in that beer bottle… well it is now!

The only thing as cool as drinking is talking about drinking. You shouldn’t drink at work, in court or behind the wheel, however no apple polishing flatfoot can ever stop you from discussing an ice cold Beck’s beer… as long as you have your cellphone headset in. It seems to me that would be the goal, to get people talking.

I don’t know if my humor translates into German/Dutch/Swedish/Other, but my ability to drink heavily and sleep late certainly do.