Archive for Comedy

Scream Dream

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2010 by boozecoma

 

The Boozecoma Humor blog is on the move! I am merging the blog with my Boozecoma.com website because quite frankly, it’s a fuck of a lot easier for me. Look at it this way: it’s not last call, we are just moving to an other bar. Thanks for your support here and I think you will like the new site.

 

I don’t want to hear about anybody dreams anymore. The current trend is to take the most ridiculous unrealistic bullshit and title it your “dream” so everyone around doesn’t pimp slap you. Why is the economy is such bad shape? Dreams. “My dream is to own a home but I work as a port-a-john mopper.” Wow, I can’t believe they lost their house!  “This high end garden hose boutique has been my life long dream!” The store is closed and now you’re sucking on the hose to get by. Dreams are many things but they should never be a business plan. Do you know the difference between a dream and a nightmare? Who’s having it. For every girl who wakes up screaming from a fire nightmare there is a broken hearted guy daydreaming about that very thing happening. Your dream job is a real sleep time traumatic experience for somebody with “fuck you ” money and the thoughts that cause my rapid eye movement are the things 12 step programs are made of.

 

What I dream about at night would make Eraserhead look like a coloring book. So who is the warlock that can clearly lasso in what is actually happening when they sleep to the point that they can get direction from it? If I lived my dreams, I would be down at the car wash covered in Play Doh talking to girl that sat next to me in 11th grade English class. Dreams just come to you at night and require no work other than cleaning up after the scary or good ones…

 

 

What we need to do is replace the word “dream” in our language with words such as “far fetched plan” or “crackpipe idea” not to ridicule but instill the need for a FUCKING BACKUP PLAN. All successful people have a plan “B”. Richard Nixon’s “dream” (ironically) was to work for the F.B.I. Lars Urlich of Metallica aspired to be a pro tennis player andWhoopi Goldberg wanted to pretty and funny. Do you know how I know dreams are bullshit? Because they need to be interpreted. What a fucking scam! Who does this? It’s the same douchebag that tells you what your used car is worth. Living the dream, dream job, dream vacation… if your dreams come true, all I can say is run for your fucking life!

 

Garbage Out

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 27, 2010 by boozecoma

As I walked past the row of recycling bins at my local market, the corner of my eye catches something that pushes me to the brink on this recycling bullshit; a receptacle for recycling cork. CORK! What kind of drunk do you think I am? If you are drinking enough wine to be able to recycle the tops, you’re a screw top man. Additionally, what self-respecting landowner or local merchant is willing to drop more than one cork at a time in front of a crowd of neighborhood snoops with Facebook equipped smartphones at their fingertips?
Recycling has spun out of control and no one wants to be the ironic one to “trash” the subject. We got hooked on the “Be good to the Earth” jazz when sandal-free people with regular bathing habits began to chirp off about the magic of spinning straw into gold by separating your plastics. The less than “groovy” but simple fact is we need to start throwing some shit out. Why do we hang on to old crap like grandma hangs on to the handrail after 3 scotch and milks? We are 10 years into the 21st century and it is time to slash and burn the sentimental junk that we never should have carried into this decade. What do you think they did with the gumball machines that once stood where the recycling bin with the special cork hole is currently? Now as part of my continuing service to the brilliant citizens that read the Boozecoma.com humor blog, I have compiled a list of extractable items still with us that combined aren’t worth a pint of piss and need to be washed out of our memory 1950’s C.I.A. style.

Ovaltine
This is the drink your mom bought when she was mad at you. Still on the shelves at grocery stores around the country because no one drinks it other than the Amish looking kids you went to school with whose name your teachers could never pronounce. This powder produces a liquid so bad mixing it with booze will not improve the flavor. The big “O” (as in “Oh noooooo…”) has been around way too long, and with nobody drinking it will not go away on its own, so the only way to bring it down is to actually buy it, drink it and vomit all over YouTube.

Candy Canes
These tasteless red and white striped sticks are a popular Christmas tree decoration because they are the only food bad enough to try to put back onto a tree. The candy cane people blew it by not having that shotgun blast flavor that modern candy punches us in the face with and therefore appealing only to the small section of the God fearing public that find oatmeal a bit aggressive. These things are better used as weapons than treats. File down the end to make your own holiday prison shiv to wave around when you get a present you don’t like.

The Unicycle
This contraption might be the hardest to wipe off the map as most unicycle operators are only seen in public wearing clown makeup that conceals their identity and making them harder to track down. And get this; Unicycles offer a reverse gravitational pull-the very unique ability to suck to cool out of anything (strippers…cool, strippers on unicycles…fuck you). Need more proof? You can’t use a unicycle for transportation, as it takes much longer to get where you are going as a result of getting knocked down by all the people who think you are a dork. That, of course, would be everybody.

Bar Soap
If bar soap really worked why do you have to wash it off after you used it? Do you honestly expect to clean yourself with something touched by so many dirty people? Now days everything has instructions and the ones on bar soap should read: “Use water to make lather. Have slip out of hands. Repeat.” Here is the bottom line: Bar soap is so far down the cleaning product ladder they wouldn’t even use it to wash oil covered seagulls during the recent Gulf spill crisis. If birds could speak they would have taken one look that foamy hunk and said: “Get that the fuck away from me! Are those pubes?”

Groundhog Day
I will believe animal weather forecasts when animal sports scores and animal entertainment news follow it. Hundreds of morons standing around with cameras waiting for a creature to come out of hibernation and when it finally happens, he gets pissed and ducks back inside. This is the hillbilly equivalent of asking Sean Penn for the 5 day forecast. This stumblebum parade is not only loosing a coin toss by being only 39% accurate there are 9 whole fucking years of the “Whack-A-Mole” bullshit unaccounted for. Crackheads keep better track of their affairs.

Brandy
Brandy is not an after dinner drink-it is an after Civil War drink. Brandy should have died out when they invented anesthesia but it keeps hanging around like that creepy guy outside the Laundromat. There are quite possibly more men and women out there that could give you the basic rules of squash than could name a brand of brandy. If you don’t believe me consider this, when you go to a restaurant with an old codger that looks to have a glass of this swill, they just ask for a brandy so as not to get the blank stare from the service staff. The bonus comes when your waiter knows not only how many brandys the place offers, but the names of the choices… Here’s a fucktard who has given up on breaking through in regional dinner theatre and has decided to take his job way too seriously.

The Family Circus
What century was this shit circle comic strip funny in? I really would like to have something funny to say about how unfunny the chodes that act as the creative force behind The Family Circus are, but I can’t. What happens every time I try to put pen to paper, the thought of these worthless asshats cashing a check on a Boston Pancake this bad makes me want go out and fight the ice cream man. Die in a fire.

Checkers
Checkers… the official game for recovering victims of head-on collisions and hobos. The good news here is that all 3 are on their way out. If you are reading this and have recently played a game of checkers, welcome first time Internet user! Checkers only uses the dark squares on the board and is so unpopular; it has failed to even place a porn banner ad on the unused squares. If anyone cared about this game there would be a Wii version of it.

Now as much as I would love to get rid of this stuff, there is far too much to bag up at the curb. So what do we do? The same thing we do with everything else that has out lived its usefulness…it becomes a Ryan Reynolds movie.

Leprechaun Pussy! It Really Works!

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 5, 2010 by boozecoma

I am great at ignoring things: instructions, bills and girlfriends are top examples. Any health issues that a bottle of vodka can’t cure are deemed expensive luxuries and also ignored. My hearing is shit but I refuse to wear a hearing aid in part because of the vodka rule and the ability to listen to EVERYTHING being said would drive me insane. I don’t feel I am missing out-I think the opposite is true. Consider the following interaction to prove my point:

Idiot: “I just got the cutest sweater for my dog!”

Boozecoma: “What?”

Idiot: “I just got a sweater for my dog.”

Boozecoma: “I didn’t hear you.”

Idiot: “Forget it.”

It’s not only like it never happened, I get to lean over in a way that looks like I am trying to listen when in reality I am getting a closer look at this girl’s rack. However, when the vodka cure doesn’t take, things get jammed up.

A while back I had a thing on my back that grew from “messy pimple” to “could you look at this?” I broke down and scheduled a visit to a dermatologist. A few days before the office visit I was explaining matter-of-factly to my girl at the time that the thing on my back was cancer and I was going to die. The middle of a dive bar was most likely not the place to spit this jazz out because she starting bawling like I just told her that I was fucking her mother… After I calmed her down with an Irish Car Bomb (A dangerous choice-yes the mechanics of drinking it act as a distraction, but she now has a glass AND a shot glass for weapons.) I explained that I don’t really know what the fuck was going on but I need to prepare myself for the absolute worst so I can react like a man and not some junior high cunt that got her cell phone taken away. My callous preparation paid off days later at the doctor’s office. When the old guy looked me over he said “There’s cancer and then there’s cancer…and you don’t have cancer.” Translation: You are not going to die; I can cut this thing out here in the office and stop dating girls 15 years younger than you.

Vodka it seems is not a toothache cure either. I found this out about 3:30 in the morning awoken from a good sleep in writhing pain. I quickly went to the hypochondriac’s best friend-the Internet for advice on how to cure this thing. There are lots of suggestions-quite possibly from people that practice voodoo. There are many other useless cures involving natural herbs and plants like peppermint oils and neem sticks (what the fuck is a neem stick?). Worthless because nobody buys this shit let alone keeps it in their house. One site recommended vanilla extract and I tried it because I had some. It worked! How? It has a small amount of alcohol in it to numb the pain and it tastes so god damned bad you forget about the pain you are in…

As I retold the story of my rotting teeth the next day I was greeted with a series of “sure-fire” cures from my day jobless crew. Every sentence started with “You know what you should have done…” or “This really works…” and ended with the most UN-BE-LIEVE-ABLE idea imaginable, such as igniting a fire in your mouth or eating leprechaun pussy followed by a bystander substantiating the claim! “Leprechaun pussy-I heard that works.” Just like the ‘tards that tell you to “be careful” right after you trip over a curb everyone is an expert after the fact and while I don’t have a cure for hiccups, headaches or heartburn, I do have the cure for this Monday morning problem solving: A 3:30 AM phone call the next time I have a problem. Still want to help?

Super Blow

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 7, 2010 by boozecoma

The heavy snow on the East Coast caused my weekly “Unsportsmanlike Conduct” segment on “The Fighting Ungers” Fox1370AM sports talk show to be postponed. Now since this week’s offering was on how the Super Bowl was going to suck-I can’t save it until next Saturday so I thought I would offer it to you here.

There are signs in today’s society to let you know if something is going to suck. Dan Aykroyd is the kiss of death for a movie, you need to hightail it out of a restaurant that has Salisbury steak on the menu as well as any date where a grown woman mentions her stuffed animal collection.

Super Bowl XLIV is going suck hard. All you need to do is look at the prop bets for the foreshadowing proof. The props (short for proposition) are those unrelated-to-the-game crazy bets that are the gamblers equivalent of ordering from the kids menu. The crazier the bets offered-the more boring the game is going to be. The wealth of dumb-ass prop bets on the board for this year’s Super Bowl lead me to believe I will be flipping over to Telemundo for wild Latin police chases by the 2nd quarter.

Joining the normal point spread and over/under bets are the chances to flush your money down the toilet with the ridiculous “how many times will they cut to shots of Kim Kardashian.”  Really? Did The Bravo Channel outbid CBS for the game at the last minute? My guess is instead of dropping green money on this foolishness most sports fans will use their betting roll for chicken wire to protect their big screens from the beer bottles they chuck at the screen every time this happens. You see, with a real football bet there is a real threat of things not happening due to forces on the field that don’t affect these crazy prop bets. I would be more likely to make a celebrity-based wager if a 240-pound linebacker was blitzing them to keep them off the television. Gamblers are always looking for an extra edge but if you are reading InStyle Magazine for it, then you probably think Jimmy The Greek was in that fat wedding movie. Face it… if there was real money to be made on these bets, the cameraman would be getting a visit from some guys named Jimmy Circles and Shoehorn Franchaizi before the game to let him know the appropriate number of shots they need for the Kardashian “thing.”

There are other stupid bets like wagering on the “coin flip.” The more ridiculous the bet; the more ridiculous the payout should be if you win. You bet the “Heads/Tails” option on the coin flip and win: you get paid in coins like the old tracksuit wearing scooter jockey that works the nickel slots.  Instead of betting on what color Gatorade gets dumped on the winning coach I would rather text money to a fund that would stop that from ever happening again.

These bets are actually a small part of a larger problem: the game has become a distraction and the distractions have become the game. This game is going to suck so bad they want you to focus on the halftime show and the ads! Watching the Super Bowl for the commercials and half time show is like getting a lap dance because you’re cold.

As I said to a friend of mine who wears hideous shirts: “If you keep buying them-They’re going to keep making them” and it’s the same with these prop bets. As long as there are degenerate gamblers and people that watch “The View” you will have a chance to win big money if they douse the coach with blue Gatorade…and a little bit less if it’s orange.

So here is my advice to anyone that wants to put money on the game-take the over. It’s the over on the National Anthem. The current betting line is at 1minute and 43 seconds for Carrie Underwood to sing the “Star Spangled Banner.” Bet the house that she takes longer… Reader’s Digest or The Ramones couldn’t burn through the song that fast.

How To Read An Online Job Posting

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 30, 2009 by boozecoma

Every job, no matter how high paying or prestigious makes you grab your ankles every so often. Even the most lollipop job on the planet; sucking the Austrian pipe (AKA First Lady of California) doesn’t get a pass. Employers are so eager to start shoveling bullshit on you; they can’t wait until you actually begin working to do it. Online job ads on Craigslist and Monster.com are loaded with hidden garbage disguised as positive messages that try to trick you into thinking that THIS job is different. As the workingman’s friend, the Boozecoma comedy blog cracks the code on what some of these shiny buzzwords really mean if you see them in an employment ad.

Passion-sandwich_maker_boozecoma
Nothing says “The guy that runs this place is a micro-managing douche bag” more than dropping the passion bomb in a job ad.  Passion is something you need to be a senator or an artist, not to make sandwiches. If you take a job like this be prepared to be stretched out like the elastic on a crackhead’s last pair of underwear because your new boss spends so many of his waking hours developing new ways to cave in your dignity that he doesn’t notice his wife is blowing all the guys in the Home Depot tile department.

 

Rockstar-iggy_pop_rockstar_boozecoma
Idiots that get swept up in jargon from InStyle magazine overrun the company that posted this ad. Rock stars don’t work for a living therefore wont be reading your job ad dumbass. Apply to EVERY job posting that mentions they want a “Rockstar” whether you are qualified or not then show up for the interview an hour late and drunk to call their bluff. Make sure you arrive with a cast of unsavory characters and mention you require that all the brown M&M’s be removed from the vending machines or you won’t be on the conference call.

 

Smiling Faces-manson_smiling_boozecoma
When someplace is hiring “Smiling Faces”, you can guarantee that this company is a sewage filled foxhole where no one is happy and the place is too cheap to buy clown makeup. Be prepared for needless drama, backstabbing and hours of excruciating boredom. It’s like being at the Tony Awards without the gift bag. They want everyone to smile so it doesn’t look like they are laughing at you when you ask why the company ironically refuses to provide dental insurance.

 

Core Values-hitler_boozecoma
You are going to be re-programmed. If that doesn’t work, you will be yelled at in German. This company has codes, standards, scripts and a handbook that no one has ever read all the way though because it comes in 3 ring binder allowing them to continually add pages. Anyone that thinks independently is rewarded by being tossed in a sack and sent to a South American chalk farm.

 

Flexible Schedule-flexible_hooker_boozecoma
Flexible means don’t ever make plans. You will have no idea when you will be working other than the days you really need to have off. When they say flexible they mean you are going to get fucked in more positions than a circus hooker.

Finally, if you respond to an ad with misspelled words, just know in advance that your check will NEVER be right.

Yes Is Not An Option.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , on December 11, 2008 by boozecoma

I was recently turned down for a writing job. At least I think I was… This was my third of 3 interviews with the agency (#1 with HR, #2 with the creative director and #3 with the partner) and on its conclusion I was told that they would be in contact. 10 days and several emails and phone calls later I was as confused as the audience watching a Tom Cruise Nazi war film. Do you want me to work for you? How hard is it to give a yes or no answer? In my effort to understand this bullshit, it occurred to me that this dillhole was incapable of telling me “no”.  The difference between human beings and a disposable lighter is that a human being needs to know when you are done using them, yet most people would rather toss you aside than deal with the commitment of yes or the freedom of “no”. Freedom? Yes, for a swift prompt no will do you a great service. If this company in question had told me honestly why I was not to be part of their plans I would have been able to spend the following week more productively pursuing other writing work and slashing this fucker’s tires. 

The fact is that we need a little more “no-can-do” spirit, and I am offering here some reasons to be positive about being negative.

The first thing I want to offer is if you feel you just don’t have time to say “no” then you are denying yourself your greatest job perk. The absolute instant erection power of deciding the fate of people is intoxicating to have, let alone use-so PRACTICE. On the way to work, don’t look the other way upon refusing to yield to an other car. Look the driver in the eye and tell them- no, wait your turn. If someone wants you to lower your voice during a cellphone call, tell them you can not and please do not interrupt while you are speaking. If your girlfriend asks you to explain the strange email address written in lipstick in your coat pocket, tell her you will not and you question whether you can have a relationship with someone who violates your personal space and belongings.

The key in offering “no” as an answer is to not get cute with your vernacular. “We decided to go in another direction” should only be used if you are casting a film-if you are not with a movie studio when this comes out of your mouth, then the only direction you should concern yourself in going is away from the fist that should be moving toward you rapidly. “I just need to run this by some people first” means you have no juice and should “run” the phone over to someone that has the stones to make a decision. “We should get our ducks in a row” is a metaphor used by people that put a slice of cheese on apple pie. It is a term used in hunting and for you it means you have been shot down and they are looking for the solution elsewhere.

If you attempt to offer a valid explanation along with your rejection for it, that will help the other party understand your position. Just dropping “no” and nothing else gives people the vibe that you are 1 tracksuit away from completing your Jr. wiseguy exam. In addition to giving an explanation, be aware that the other party will try to overcome your objection, and this will be your opportunity to close the door efficiently. Don’t use your rebuff as an opportunity to get cruel. If someone inquires what you ARE you looking for, answering ” Your most current photograph to place at the security desk in order to keep you from coming in here again” is on par to stealing a pair of crutches. Remember, the 5-day waiting period for a handgun expired a decade ago…

Feel free to leave your comments on this-just remember, I have to approve them first.

It Is Darkest Before The Dawn Of A New Civilization.

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 8, 2008 by boozecoma

74143994AH004_SUN_SPUR_1_23_09_AMSomeone asked a former NBA player why there is more trash talking now than when he played 3 decades ago. He replied in essence that the fine for hitting a guy in the mouth was only $25 and the bargain prices kept everyone in check. Now while this was humorous and insightful, it is something that needs to be examined further. Low assault prices might lead to vigilantism, but it will also provide an outbreak of manners. You will be less likely to cut in front of me in line or yell at your “peeps” over your cellphone knowing that I and several others close by have $75 cash handy.

If you think I am off base then consider this: People are very polite and orderly at the airport before passing through the security checkpoints-no screaming kids, lines are orderly and quiet, please and thank you’s are everywhere. Once you know that no one is armed it is a “fuck your mother” free-for-all. Passengers, airline employees and airport service personnel are not only rude, but step over your bleeding body to get to a fresh cup of airport coffee. Societies rules are made by pussies who became lawyers, judges, and C.E.O.’s only because they stayed in school long enough not to get beat up anymore. Thanks to these milquetoasts, crime has gotten a bad rap. I am here to tell you that crime is your friend, not only keeping people in check, but also providing many other benefits.

Crime will prevent overcrowding and ease congestion.img_09662

City streets will become free of unwanted pedestrian traffic as citizens flee to their homes in fear of random stabbings, muggings and being “Shanghaied” aboard a foreign merchant ship. With no one on the road or the sidewalk, daily work commutes will be cut in half and bottled water prices should drop accordingly.

Crime will improve the economy. 

hy101007j1Housing prices will drop in the urban areas allowing more people to be able to afford homes and apartments they could never dream of. Pizza delivery drivers will be paid like King Crab fishermen. Security upgrades will provide an influx of cash to home improvement stores and all those guys that drive vans with the name of their business spray-painted on the door.

Crime will improve your health.

MIDEAST-PALESTINIAN-ISRAEL-UNREST-RALLY-NABLUSPeople like to jog in parks and nice neighborhoods. Lack of safety in these areas will force people to stop jogging and start RUNNING! Sprints to your car or to your front door will quickly advance your cardiovascular stamina and reduce your overall body fat. Dodging bullets bolsters your agility. Sleeping with one eye open increases mental alertness. The average American’s diet will be much healthier. No one will want to eat a big meal high in carbs and fat that will slow them down. There is no way you can outrun bloodthirsty bandits with a Chicken Parmesan in your belly.

Crime improves attitudes towards fellow citizens.pregnant-lady-stretch-marks-and-man-with-a-gun1

People will be much nicer to you if they think you are going to kill them.

 

 

 

All I am asking is for everyone to do their part to make the world a better and more dangerous place. Knock off a liquor store. Shank an innocent passer-by. Run over a pedestrian. Defecate on the street. Just start on the next block over OK?