Archive for Douchbag

How To Read An Online Job Posting

Posted in Uncategorized with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on October 30, 2009 by boozecoma

Every job, no matter how high paying or prestigious makes you grab your ankles every so often. Even the most lollipop job on the planet; sucking the Austrian pipe (AKA First Lady of California) doesn’t get a pass. Employers are so eager to start shoveling bullshit on you; they can’t wait until you actually begin working to do it. Online job ads on Craigslist and Monster.com are loaded with hidden garbage disguised as positive messages that try to trick you into thinking that THIS job is different. As the workingman’s friend, the Boozecoma comedy blog cracks the code on what some of these shiny buzzwords really mean if you see them in an employment ad.

Passion-sandwich_maker_boozecoma
Nothing says “The guy that runs this place is a micro-managing douche bag” more than dropping the passion bomb in a job ad.  Passion is something you need to be a senator or an artist, not to make sandwiches. If you take a job like this be prepared to be stretched out like the elastic on a crackhead’s last pair of underwear because your new boss spends so many of his waking hours developing new ways to cave in your dignity that he doesn’t notice his wife is blowing all the guys in the Home Depot tile department.

 

Rockstar-iggy_pop_rockstar_boozecoma
Idiots that get swept up in jargon from InStyle magazine overrun the company that posted this ad. Rock stars don’t work for a living therefore wont be reading your job ad dumbass. Apply to EVERY job posting that mentions they want a “Rockstar” whether you are qualified or not then show up for the interview an hour late and drunk to call their bluff. Make sure you arrive with a cast of unsavory characters and mention you require that all the brown M&M’s be removed from the vending machines or you won’t be on the conference call.

 

Smiling Faces-manson_smiling_boozecoma
When someplace is hiring “Smiling Faces”, you can guarantee that this company is a sewage filled foxhole where no one is happy and the place is too cheap to buy clown makeup. Be prepared for needless drama, backstabbing and hours of excruciating boredom. It’s like being at the Tony Awards without the gift bag. They want everyone to smile so it doesn’t look like they are laughing at you when you ask why the company ironically refuses to provide dental insurance.

 

Core Values-hitler_boozecoma
You are going to be re-programmed. If that doesn’t work, you will be yelled at in German. This company has codes, standards, scripts and a handbook that no one has ever read all the way though because it comes in 3 ring binder allowing them to continually add pages. Anyone that thinks independently is rewarded by being tossed in a sack and sent to a South American chalk farm.

 

Flexible Schedule-flexible_hooker_boozecoma
Flexible means don’t ever make plans. You will have no idea when you will be working other than the days you really need to have off. When they say flexible they mean you are going to get fucked in more positions than a circus hooker.

Finally, if you respond to an ad with misspelled words, just know in advance that your check will NEVER be right.

Advertisements