Someone asked a former NBA player why there is more trash talking now than when he played 3 decades ago. He replied in essence that the fine for hitting a guy in the mouth was only $25 and the bargain prices kept everyone in check. Now while this was humorous and insightful, it is something that needs to be examined further. Low assault prices might lead to vigilantism, but it will also provide an outbreak of manners. You will be less likely to cut in front of me in line or yell at your “peeps” over your cellphone knowing that I and several others close by have $75 cash handy.
If you think I am off base then consider this: People are very polite and orderly at the airport before passing through the security checkpoints-no screaming kids, lines are orderly and quiet, please and thank you’s are everywhere. Once you know that no one is armed it is a “fuck your mother” free-for-all. Passengers, airline employees and airport service personnel are not only rude, but step over your bleeding body to get to a fresh cup of airport coffee. Societies rules are made by pussies who became lawyers, judges, and C.E.O.’s only because they stayed in school long enough not to get beat up anymore. Thanks to these milquetoasts, crime has gotten a bad rap. I am here to tell you that crime is your friend, not only keeping people in check, but also providing many other benefits.
Crime will prevent overcrowding and ease congestion.
City streets will become free of unwanted pedestrian traffic as citizens flee to their homes in fear of random stabbings, muggings and being “Shanghaied” aboard a foreign merchant ship. With no one on the road or the sidewalk, daily work commutes will be cut in half and bottled water prices should drop accordingly.
Crime will improve the economy.
Housing prices will drop in the urban areas allowing more people to be able to afford homes and apartments they could never dream of. Pizza delivery drivers will be paid like King Crab fishermen. Security upgrades will provide an influx of cash to home improvement stores and all those guys that drive vans with the name of their business spray-painted on the door.
Crime will improve your health.
People like to jog in parks and nice neighborhoods. Lack of safety in these areas will force people to stop jogging and start RUNNING! Sprints to your car or to your front door will quickly advance your cardiovascular stamina and reduce your overall body fat. Dodging bullets bolsters your agility. Sleeping with one eye open increases mental alertness. The average American’s diet will be much healthier. No one will want to eat a big meal high in carbs and fat that will slow them down. There is no way you can outrun bloodthirsty bandits with a Chicken Parmesan in your belly.
Crime improves attitudes towards fellow citizens.
People will be much nicer to you if they think you are going to kill them.
All I am asking is for everyone to do their part to make the world a better and more dangerous place. Knock off a liquor store. Shank an innocent passer-by. Run over a pedestrian. Defecate on the street. Just start on the next block over OK?
Boozecoma.com 